shahid_fss - 18 Feb 2006, 08:20 pm
ACCOUNTANT AND SHEPHERD
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.
"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
TWO YEARS
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
HIJACKING
What did the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of accountants threaten to do if his demands weren't met?
Release one every hour.
PARROTS
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
TAXATION
An accountant is walking along the beach when he finds an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and suddenly a genie appears.
The genie says, "I am the most powerful genie that ever existed. I have done wonderful things in my time and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one wish."
The accountant is a deeply caring person. He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Middle East problem".
The genie strokes his beard and looks worried. "Oh dear, that's a bottler. Those people have been fighting each other for centuries. Everybody has tried to solve that problem without success. I'm not sure I can do any better. You'd better have another wish."
"All right," says the accountant. "The Tax Office have asked me to redesign the Business Activity Statement so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?"
There is a long silence. Finally the genie says, "Let's have a look at that map again."
HEART TRANSPLANTATION
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
COUNTING THE SHEEPS
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."
The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"
"Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."
LIVE A BIT LONGER
A lady goes to see her doctor with some worrying symptoms and he examines her.
"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news. You have only six months to live."
The patient says, "Oh Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a CPA."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No," says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."
HEART TRANSPLANTATION
A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."
TRICK TO SLEEP
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep, what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear"
CHAQUE
The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant.
The owner says: "I am dying and I want to take my money with me. At my funeral put these envelopes in my coffin"
So at the funeral, the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the coffin. But, on the way home the lawyer felt bad and told the accountant that he had opened the envelope, found one hundred thousand in cash and had taken fifty thousand out. The lawyer had justified that as his fee, but now he felt bad.
The accountant responded: "How could you have disregarded a dying man's last request? How could you charge a fee of fifty percent? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Then, the lawyer reacted: "What did you do? You gave him all his money?"
The accountant repied: "yes, I gave him all his money, but I left a personal check for the full amount"
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.
"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
TWO YEARS
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
HIJACKING
What did the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of accountants threaten to do if his demands weren't met?
Release one every hour.
PARROTS
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
TAXATION
An accountant is walking along the beach when he finds an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and suddenly a genie appears.
The genie says, "I am the most powerful genie that ever existed. I have done wonderful things in my time and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one wish."
The accountant is a deeply caring person. He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Middle East problem".
The genie strokes his beard and looks worried. "Oh dear, that's a bottler. Those people have been fighting each other for centuries. Everybody has tried to solve that problem without success. I'm not sure I can do any better. You'd better have another wish."
"All right," says the accountant. "The Tax Office have asked me to redesign the Business Activity Statement so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?"
There is a long silence. Finally the genie says, "Let's have a look at that map again."
HEART TRANSPLANTATION
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
COUNTING THE SHEEPS
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."
The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"
"Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."
LIVE A BIT LONGER
A lady goes to see her doctor with some worrying symptoms and he examines her.
"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news. You have only six months to live."
The patient says, "Oh Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a CPA."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No," says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."
HEART TRANSPLANTATION
A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."
TRICK TO SLEEP
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep, what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear"
CHAQUE
The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant.
The owner says: "I am dying and I want to take my money with me. At my funeral put these envelopes in my coffin"
So at the funeral, the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the coffin. But, on the way home the lawyer felt bad and told the accountant that he had opened the envelope, found one hundred thousand in cash and had taken fifty thousand out. The lawyer had justified that as his fee, but now he felt bad.
The accountant responded: "How could you have disregarded a dying man's last request? How could you charge a fee of fifty percent? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Then, the lawyer reacted: "What did you do? You gave him all his money?"
The accountant repied: "yes, I gave him all his money, but I left a personal check for the full amount"